How the Enneagram Has Strengthened Us + Couple's Enneagram Quiz

Photo by Cast + Forge Photography

As a couple of 7+ years now, we are always looking for ways to better communicate and understand each other’s uniquenesses. Not long ago, Kathryn discovered the magical world of the enneagram and started exploring this new find. She had already met Elisabeth, an incredible woman who makes her living from coaching others on their enneagram whether individually, as a significant other, a family member, or a colleague, and even has a series of tailored devotional books coming out relating to each number of the enneagram! Kathryn quickly jumped at the idea to work with Elisabeth and booked her for a couple’s coaching session back in spring.

We assume if you’ve stumbled here and are interested in reading, you probably already have a good idea (or at least a beginner’s idea) of what the enneagram is. The enneagram is based on a number system of 1-9 - you’ll have a main number as well as a “wing” number which is the number on either side of your main number - for example, Kathryn is a 2, wing 3: stylized as 2w3. Then from there, you will have a number to which you go in growth and one that you go to in stress which can help you understand your motivations deeper. We’re fascinated by the enneagram and love it because it isn’t like other personality assessments that are based on your tendencies or traits, the enneagram is more so focused on your motivations and core fears.

During our meeting with Elisabeth, we were floored by how much we uncovered about each other, and she even had us share what attracted us to the other person in the beginning - it felt as though we were unlocking the initial things we absolutely loved about each other that helped us fall in love in the first place! Serious fuzzy feelings, friends. Kathryn enjoyed the fact that this evening with Elisabeth helped us sympathize with each other’s unique experiences and point of views. Jared seconds this, saying that it unlocked a new door - a new way in which we could interpret and observe our relationship, in addition to placing emphasis on self-reflection that enables us to show up as better partners in the relationship. He also stresses: The enneagram is a great reminder to always strive to be the best version of yourself and to go deeper in some soul searching if you’re having a hard time typing yourself or answering your coach’s questions.

We were so inspired by our limited study of enneagram thus far, the lovely Elisabeth and the Adjusting to Adulthood blog that listed these questions for self-reflection - and tweaked them below for enneagram purposes. We encourage you and yours to fill these out after you self-type and identify your motivations! Comment below with some of your findings, we’d love to hear them.

Q: What is your enneagram type?

Kathryn: 2w3.

Jared: 6w5.

Q: Where do you go in stress and what’s an example of how this plays out in your life?

K: 8. I notice that when faced with opposition (whether in a simple disagreement between friends, or having to confront something difficult head-on), I will become rather defensive in conversation and say exaggerated statements I don’t actually mean as a method of attempting to “explain my side”.

J: 3. I notice it with my studies in college - I tend to either talk up my status and how well I’m doing and I shut down the idea of asking for help, or I refocus my energy into my job instead of my school work if things get too overwhelming.

Q: Similarly, how do you think this stress plays out in your relationship?

K: I can end up truly hurting his feelings from things that I say, and I can also get up in arms / passionate about arguments that aren’t necessary to have.

J: I feel like I distance myself from her in times of stress. I avoid deep conversations and become a bit selfish and quiet.

Q: Where do you go in growth and what’s an example of how this plays out in your life?

K: 4. I’ve always said that I have a very “sentimental soul”, or an “old soul” and love expressing this deep core of emotion through creative work, most notably my weekly vlogs or my figure skating montages that I publish on YouTube. I tend to get into ponder sessions about the meaning of life and LOVE getting to know myself through personal development conferences and workbooks.

J: 9. I feel a lot more connected and alive when I’m in a state of growth, and I become more relaxed about things. I also get this spurt of energy to take on a new project or a new idea, and it’s hard for me to stop! I also notice that I become a better listener to others and am focused on supporting them, exercising a lot more patience.

Q: Similarly, how do you think this growth plays out in your relationship?

K: I become obsessed with trying to help him ALSO reach this incredibly awesome level of self-discovery (exhibit A: this blog post!) and encourage him to find his own creative outlets.

J: I like completing tasks in the relationship and around the home to show my care for her. I’m also just more present overall.

Q: What makes you happy?

K: Knowing that I’ve made others happy, that I’ve crossed off a to-do list at the end of the day, a good TV show I can get sucked into - drama or reality, a delicious meal at the end of the day, cuddles with my sweetie, silent moments for creative projects and self-expression, and quality time with my family and friends.

J: I like playing and watching sports, having deep conversations getting to know someone else / strengthening my one-on-one interactions with people, playing video games and anything else computer/technology related, spending quality time with my sweetie, being around animals or watching cute animal videos, and cooking (therapeutic for me).

Q: What makes you unhappy?

K: Overall lack of harmony in my relationships, bigoted people, when a friend cancels our plans or when plans change last minute in general (I need stability and to feel as though my relationships are not one-sided in terms of effort made), when people seem to misunderstand the core of who I am, unnecessary “friendly teasing”, the cruelty of life - abuse, violence, war, etc., bullies and bully culture.

J: Organized religion, insincere people, ignorant people, death/loss, hypocrites, animal cruelty, people who take advantage of others, unnecessary “friendly teasing”, feeling scraggly or unclean (getting a fresh cut/shave always makes me feel a boost of confidence).

Q: What do you value most in life?

K: Love and well intentioned people, ability to laugh through pain, having a good circle of trusted people around me, being able to serve others and do right by others, living truthfully as who you were created to be / self-individuality and the celebration of that diversity, the ability to sleep in (some mornings).

J: Safety and security, comfort, a cold breeze when it’s sunny outside, animals, genuine people and having a trusted circle, the ability to live in the moment.

Q: What do you value most in other people?

K: Trust, humor, loyalty, honesty, good intentions, sensitivity/sentimentality/connectedness to emotions, aware, solid work ethic/drive, resilience.

J: Genuineness, trust, open-mindedness, down to earth attitude, high energy/outspokenness, decisiveness.

Q: What is one of your greatest driving fears and how does this impact your daily life?

K: Fear of abandonment. I tend to hold high expectations of the people in my life - I expect for them to put in as much effort as I do into friendships and get disappointed when they don’t, and tend to need high amounts of validation as well. I’ve had this fear since I was an infant and went through therapy for Separation Anxiety Disorder, so it’s quite deeply engrained in me.

J: Fear of failure. I want to do something extraordinary, but I always feel like I’m going to fail. I tend to stress myself over achievable tasks or steps and then end up procrastinating because I’m paralyzed by that sense of fear.

Q: What areas of your life do you thrive in?

K: Career and social, for sure. I never have a problem making friends and find myself the most driven by my career accomplishments (the 3-wing in me!).

J: I would say my job and my hobbies. I work pretty hard when I set my mind to it and can compartmentalize work from play pretty easily.

Q: What areas of your life do you struggle in?

K: I struggle most in areas of physical wellness and boundary setting in general. I don’t make enough time for *myself* is the issue.

J: I struggle most in areas of socializing, physical wellness, and completing tasks in general. If something becomes too hard, I tend to quit early. I’m also a relatively quiet person that takes a lot of time to trust others, so I’m a bit slower to making friends and hate being in big groups of people.

Q: What motivates you the most in life?

K: Seeing other people happy/people pleasing, and being accepted and liked by others. “Belonging”.

J: Freedom and autonomy, self-sufficiency and being able to depend on self.

Q: Look up your enneagram type. What are your 3 favorite personality traits about yourself that ring true for most people who share your type?

K: Serving. Caring. Sincere.

J: Cooperative. Lovable. Trustworthy.

Q: Look up your partner’s enneagram type. What are your 3 favorite personality traits about your partner that ring true for most people who share their type?

K: Hard working. Affectionate. Reliable.

J: Loving/Caring. Nurturing. Giving.

How did it feel answering these questions? What was your biggest takeaway?

If you don’t already know your enneagram, you can go get started at The Enneagram Institute and check out our enneagram coach’s favorite go-to read: The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (this book also has a series of statements assigned to each number that can help you self-type). We also highly suggest listening to Sleeping at Last’s Atlas: Enneagram album when you’ve completed your initial personal typing!